crest fallen - - - ` the real me

[chester eddy parker]

6th march, 2013

ringing out like a shotgun in my head

ringing out and i just can't go to bed

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dear diary,

I never thought I would be pouring a memory from my past into this dead book but there are no better ways to get this burden off my heart. The past keeps taunting me everyday. I can't run from it anymore. The question ' you were an innocent boy like your twin, what happened then?' sounds so simple and funny but it's killing me. I changed for a reason.
Nobody knows about this because I've always been too ashamed to admit the truth. There was a reason me & Eli never went to the same high school. A reason why I changed so much, i lost the innocence within me.

truth is, I have been bullied from a very young age. While I was the good guy in the past, everyone bullied me for my looks. I had been beaten up. However, I managed to get the hottest girl of my high school as my girlfriend. She claimed that she loved me. Truth was that she loved my wealth. She was always there taking an advantage of my wealth, borrowing money whenever she needed. I was too blind in love to notice her real intentions. I lost my innocence to her. I started drinking. She got me to do drugs once, it caused me severe sickness and I landed in the hospital for a week. My parents found out the truth. They hated me. The grounded me. However she was still around and apologizing that it was all her fault. How could I not forgive her? after all I loved her since childhood. She was my first crush. But I was wrong. She wasn't sorry for what she did. She was sticking around for money. When she asked me for some, I couldn't give her any because i was grounded, so she threw a tantrum. I promised her that I'd help her but I couldn't. I even tried stealing from my parents because I truly loved her. My mom saw me doing that. She was mad at me. She lost the trust in me...it was horrible. I hated myself. I couldn't get her the money and she stopped talking to me. She started ignoring me. Wouldn't answer my calls or texts. She hated me... I was heart broken until I saw her with other guys, flirting. She was cheating on me. I was frustrated. When I tried to talk this whole matter out with her, she gathered the whole school and told them that she broke up with me cause I was gay. She lied that I used her to cover up my sexual orientation. that wasn't true. I was straight but everyone believed her. I was called the 'gay' guy ever since then. I lost my friends. She not only broke my heart but took everything away from me. My innocence, my friends, my laughs.. she left me miserable.
And then my parents got divorced. I felt like I was stabbed in my heart. I was so involved into her, I never paid any attention to my parents issues. If only i could rewind, perhaps we could find some peace or figure out the issues between our parents but it was too late. They had already parted. We moved to australia with my mother.

There, I started off a new life. The good and innocent part of me was dying everyday. I started to drink, party, flirt with girls. I met the other guys & we became a band. I got four best friends, more like four brothers to myself. We were working hard each day and then fame hit us. We are the famous one direction today but I'm not the Chester..that I used to be.

Colette had known me for a long time. She knew about my innocent nature and she misses it. She was the first one to notice the change in me. Others say it's just a hormonal change. Truth is not known to anyone. I have kept each and every word related to my past hidden from everyone. I'm too ashamed to admit this. it's not that I don't trust anyone, it's that I'm to ashamed of everything. I was so stupid in the past. I don't want anyone to make fun of me anymore.. I wouldn't be able to stand it. Nor do I want anyone to pity on me. I don't need it.

Today, me & Colette are together. It's be six months. I have been in love with her from a long time but I'm not the same person she was in love with. She says that I make her uncomfortable. I've changed a lot. I'm a pervert and I make her insecure. That's not how love makes you feel.. or does it? Sometimes I look for justice, I desire for her to accept me the way I'm now but then i feel it's unfair, because i'm not myself anymore. i admit i miss the innocent chester which now sounds like a joke to everyone. i was always told that a change is good but this.. I don't know. Sometimes I love this change within me. It makes me careless about what haters or people think of me. Being badass is like a good cover to keep you from getting hurt but then being badass is effecting my relationships. I tend to do things that hurt others..

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with love,
chester

[chester eddy parker]

9th march, 2013

ringing out like a shotgun in my head

ringing out and i just can't go to bed

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dear diary,

Well you know what's the worst part about life? When people label lies onto you and you hate every bit of it but then after sometimes you actually start believing in those lies. Those lies turn into your reality. That's absolutely terrifying and I hate it. I am referring to the 'gay' label that have been on me few years ago when i wasn't interested in guys, in fact i was homophobic i think. Gays scared the hell out of me. I didn't grow up as a player, instead I was very decent and had my eyes locked onto Amber, my three years older senior. I have always had a crush on her, since the first day I met her. She was beautiful and the famous girl of our highschool. We were once paired up in a musical drama and that was like the luckiest moment of my life. I couldn't help but fall more in love with her. if it hadn't been for the musical drama, she would have never noticed me. Our characters were set to be finals for the drama and we shared a kiss. I think I nearly fainted the first time we tried to kiss in rehersel. She was my first kiss. She told me I wasn't a bad kisser just needed to relax a little & try enjoying it. She was obviously flirting but i thought that she liked me. Life was getting better in those days. I was actually starting to like high school and the rehersel was my best time in school. it gave us the opportunity to get to know each other better and turn into close friends. On her birthday I was the one who arranged a huge party and gifted her an expensive gift. That was the time she found out that I was rich and started to show interest in me. If it hadn't been for my wealth, she wouldn't have ever gotten closer to me but I didn't know that back then. I was too blind in love with her to notice any of this. On the musical drama performance day she announced that we were together and I was more than happy. I was on the seventh sky. We turned into the hottest couple. Guys were actually jealous of me because I was dating the hottest girl around. Nobody dared bullying me. I was too young when Amber started to corrupt me. She got me into parties, drinking and drugs. i hated it but she told me to take it as fun and relax. for the sake of her love, I adjusted myself into her kind of environment. She took my innocence away but I was proud of it. I loved her and it felt right. Once we took an overdose of drugs that took me very sick and I landed in hospital for weeks. My parents hated me and got me grounded. I had no car or money then. Amber would always borrow money from me but now that she wasn't getting any, she started to argue with me. I tried stealing some money from my parents but my mom caught me. I lost my mom's trust. Amber started to avoid me when I couldn't give her any money. I was heart broken to see her be so freaking harsh on me. Then I found her kissing other guys at a party and it frustrated me. We got into an argument that night and she lied to everyone that I was gay & only using her to hide it from everyone. it was a lie but everyone believed her. whenever i would try to talk to her, the guys would attack me. I used to get beaten up. Finally I realized that I was being used by her for money. She never loved me. I was only being used like a toy. . . I left high school and my parents got divorced around this time.

Now back to the main point, I was never into guys before but i feel something for Isaiah. Or wait, I used to feel something for him. We were always attached to each other and as much as I hate to admit it, we have done ''it''...
it's weird but whenever we are upset, our ways of relaxing is getting into bed... i don't know what has happened to me. I was never like this before. I had never liked guys but then again I don't feel this way for anyone except Isaiah. He's irresistable.. but I swear I'm not gay. I like girls.. most importantly I LOVE Colette so much! okay so the conclusion is that I must be bisexual for Isaiah. Only and only for him. I'm not proud of this.. worst of all, Colette doesn't know any of this. It's a little secret of me & Isaiah. It had happened in the past but still. . .

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with love,
chester