a handful of pills (Open for friends)

[isaiah james conway]

(Note this is for a later time, aka after Valentine's Day. I just wanted to post it)

Isaiah seemed silly, stupid even for letting things get to this, for letting things get to far even but he knew that in the end this was what he had planned all along and he had this planned for a very long time too. These were the things that even seemed to scare him when he thought about it, he was just living his life after all even though it wasn’t really what people would call an easy life or even a happy life for that matter and that was the one thing that seemed to get to him the most. He knew that he was always worrying people, that people were always afraid that he was going to snap sometime and that would be the end of it and in truth they were actually right. Each and every day just seemed to push Isaiah even closer to his limit, each and every day seemed to become harder for him to handle and he knew soon that it would be it. The time would come when he would just have enough, and he was ready for that. He was ready for whatever would happen to him in the future, sure he was afraid of the future but he was sure anything was better than the hell he lived in now.

He always was one to believe in the phrase that the world was a stage and he was simply just a player, life was just something he lived and moved through and in the end death was the only way out and he knew that. He has always known that and in the end he was picking the easy way out and sure people would even call it the cowardly way out but he didn’t care. Life would be better off without him, people would be so much happier without him and he believed that no matter what they said because people really didn’t know these things. They would all move on in time, because once a person died life went on and life always went on and he just really hoped that they could all forgive him for the things he was about to do to his self because he just had to know that they would forgive him and they would understand even. He was just afraid that they would hate him, and perhaps that was why he hid it from everyone and maybe that was why he was why he was planning it for so long. He was afraid that he was doing the wrong thing, but he was far too into to it to stop now.

He had it all set and all planned out, each and every step seemed so perfect and so fool proof that nothing could even go wrong and no one would suspect a thing because no one could ever suspect a thing or the plan would be ruined. Pressing a knife to your wrist was easy, you could wear long sleeves and no one would suspect a thing for years, but this was something new and something a lot bigger and scarier than anything else he ever did combined. A handful of pills to end your life, it seemed like a simple and an easy way to go and one of the slowest ways too. He would slowly just fall asleep and never wake up, that was what death was. It was just like you were sleeping, it was always just like you were sleeping and he knew it would be all over the news. "Isaiah Conway dead due to a handful of pills", he could see the headlines now as he sighed running his fingers slowly through his hair. Sometimes it seemed as if time was going by slowly, almost stopping still because the days always seemed so much longer and he was one of those people who just wished that he had a rewind button. If he had a rewind button perhaps things could be different, better for him but he doubted that and he doubted a lot of other things too.

When he thought about his life, he first seemed to think about how it use to be back in the foster homes that he use to live in before being adopted. There the other children were just so mean to him, and got him in trouble for things he never even did so he would be punished and sometimes the punishments could be really harsh. It was his life though, and part of the reason he was turned into the type of person he is today and he didn’t like the person that he was today either because he knew he worried people and he was done doing that and staring at the pill bottle in his hand it only really seemed to mock him. It had taken him an hour just to decide that he was really going to do this, one hour to make his true decision and as he reread his note he bit his lip letting his tears slowly fill his eyes trying to push any doubts that he had out of his mind. Trying to push knowing how his friends would react out of his mind as he fumbled with the lid of the pill bottle just to get it open, his hands trembling as he did so closing his eyes to try and calm his breathing the best that he could.

It seemed almost impossible, his breaths coming out in quick staggered breaths as he coughed and sniffled but he seemed like he couldn’t stop. Not when he was so close now, oh no quitting was for wimps and he was no wimp. He glanced around the room taking everything in one last time, the pictures on the walls, all seemed a blur to him now and he couldn’t even seem to remember just when they were all taken. The people in those pictures seemed to be all strangers to him now too, even though each and every one showed a picture of him and his friends and in each picture he seemed so happy. He was smiling and just having a good time; it was hard to believe the things he has going on in his head by just looking at all these pictures, on these white walls. Isaiah really could be an actor sometimes, he seemed to just put on a mask every single day and no one ever seemed to notice a thing. What was that phrase, “its funny when something goes wrong people finally started to care and listen” and he just wished people cared and listened to him when he needed them. It seemed to Isaiah that they had their own lives now, because more than once they seemed to have better things to do than be there for their friend when they actually really needed them and he was done.

He was done with it all; he was done with believing that he was just taking up space no matter what his friends said because he knew that he was because all his friends were happy and with someone. Here he was all the time moping because he didn’t have anyone, here he was always complaining and he knew his friends were getting annoyed with it because it always happened. He was one to whine and he was done whining all the time and staring at the colorful pills in his hand he bit his lip, there seemed to be so many of them in that one little bottle as he sucked in his breath one last time closing his eyes yet again to try and blink back his tears that just seemed to keep falling down without stopping. This was for everyone, this move that he was about to do was for everyone and he just hoped it worked. There was always the chance someone could save him in time, and then he would live his life as a suicidal freak and he was ready for whatever came. He was ready for all of this and he knew it, he knew deep down in his bone and calming his self down he smiled. He didn’t even know why he smiled but he did, and once he started smiling he couldn’t even seem to stop smiling.

Perhaps he was smiling because now he knew the hate would stop, he wouldn’t have to read that someone hated him any longer or that he was just some stupid fag that didn’t deserve life, he would no longer have to read that he was going to hell. Compared to his life on earth, hell didn’t even seem like such a bad place. In fact, his life here seemed to be his own person form of hell because so many people just seemed to give him shit each and every day and he just couldn’t even stand it anymore and he looked once more at the pills in his hand swallowing hard. All he had to do now was pop them in his mouth and swallow them, it seemed so easy as he brought his hand closer to his mouth stopping his self each time as he got too close to catch his breath once again. Each breath he took only seemed harder though; each breath he took was shaky and forced his chest hurt, his heart in his throat. It was as if he was already dying, without taking any pills and he knew he was only wasting time now. He was only stalling his self and that was silly, everything he was doing now though was silly. No more stalling Isaiah, he thought to his self quickly shaking his head.

One by one, the pills went into his mouth as he thought about how soon everything will be better or at least he hoped. Minute by minute, the pills went down his throat as he coughed, they tasted disgusting but he didn’t even seem to care. He didn’t even seem to care about anything anymore now, time seemed to just stop the minute he started popping the pills into his mouth and if he had been thinking he would have locked his door. He fell the minute the pills hit his system, his eyes closing slowly. This was it, and now all he had to do was just wait, he seemed to wonder just who would care. He wondered what the fans would say, like people seemed to say, it wasn’t One Direction without him. He just hoped they would be able to cope without him, that they could all cope without him.

[carter julian williams]

Carter had enough. He knew what Isaiah had been planning, but he always sets it aside. Carter always told himself that Isaiah wouldn't do that. Not to him. Carter made him promise before... and Isaiah knew everything about Carter. Almost every single detail. Isaiah knew the self-harm was a sensitive subject to Carter... even though Carter is an annoying and loud prick. Carter always acts careless about other people... but that is just his way of pushing problems away. He hates it whenever he sees a girl alone, pregnant or whenever people even try to kill their baby. It most hurts Carter whenever someone self-harms. Not only because of what happened to him years ago, but also because of what happened to Chasity. Chasity almost died... if it wasn't for Colette and Chester, she wouldn't have been alive... like his child that his ex-girlfriend killed. Carter was glad Chasity was saved... he felt so useless for being the cause and that he never did anything to save her. Isaiah knew about how Carter felt about everything. Isaiah knew almost every detail about Carter.

Carter thought he could stop Isaiah. Carter thought he could fix things. But he couldn't. Every day, it seemed that Isaiah had felt down and down. Isaiah used to be a very happy person. Carter knew the things Isaiah passed through and he was there to support him and give advice to Isaiah. But... Carter understands.. sometimes the pain doesn't go away. He had been through the same stage... where you almost can't see anything good in the world, as if everything that happens would be a bad thing. But... the thought of Isaiah doing something bad to himself kills Carter. Isaiah was there whenever Carter needed someone... Isaiah was special to him. It kills Carter even more to the fact that he couldn't change his mind. To the fact that he can't do anything to fix his problems. Isaiah's actions were far too familiar for him to not know anything. But he had to act like he didn't know anything. He had to. For who knows? Isaiah's mind might change.

Carter looked at his phone and kept pressing call... Isaiah wasn't answering. It wasn't everyday that Carter actually used his phone... but being online and talking to Isaiah... it was like he was saying good bye... and Carter couldn't take that. He felt so angry at himself and at Isaiah. Angry at himself for he couldn't do anything. He was an idiot. He was angry at Isaiah for making the biggest decision in his life. Carter knew better than to blame him, though. He gotta get into the act. He gotta stop Isaiah before he even do anything. For the past minutes, no one even touched Isaiah's phone. This worried Carter by the minute. Carter couldn't hold it anymore. He grabbed his keys and got to his car immediately, leaving Janessa alone in the house. He hadn't had time to even explain things to anyone. He knew he had to go there. Now. Carter drove fast to Isaiah's, not caring if he get held up by cops. This was a matter of life and death at the moment. Carter parked by the side and ran to Isaiah's house, banging the door. No one answered. Carter got impatient and opened the door. It was quiet like a horror movie but it didn't matter. Nothing matters than saving Isaiah. Carter opened the door and went around the house to find him. "ISAIAH!" Carter kept shouting, hoping Isaiah would answer. Hoping he thought wrong. Carter came in room to room until there was only one place left. Carter gluped and held the door knob, hoping Isaiah wasn't even home. Carter took a deep breath and opened it.....seeing a knocked out Isaiah lying down on the floor.

Carter felt tears in his eyes and fell to his knees. He's too late.... Carter saw a paper by the side of Isaiah... he shakily got the letter and read it. More tears fell down... this was his fault. Carter was too late. He was always too late... Why...

[isaiah james conway]

The decision to end his life was a decision that Isaiah had had for a while and it was something that he had never told anyone, for fear of how they would react mainly and knowing that they would try to stop him in the end. He knew that even if he had told someone and they tried to stop him it wouldn’t have worked anyway, there was no way he was going to just sit here while his life was just full of shit. He wasn’t going to let his self just let things become even worse for him, he needed a way out and sure it was the easy way out and the coward way out but it was a way out none the less and that was all that mattered. It didn’t matter what other people would think of it all, this was his cry for help that was never answered. People just always seemed to think that he was fine, but he wasn’t fine and he had never been fine. He just really wish people saw his signs, and tried to help before things got that far because maybe if they did things would be different.

Maybe if people actually figured things out in time he would never have been here with a bottle in his hand ready to end it all, pouring those pretty colored pills into his hand. It seemed like colorful pills could fix all problems, for years they were the things that were supposed to help him but the only thing they seemed to do was just give him hell and he had been done with it all for a while, he had been done with all of this before he even knew it. This only truly started years ago, when things started to just get so much harder for him, when his whole life just headed down a spiral. He didn’t even seem to remember just when he started just hating his life, but he knew that the entire thing was a process and little by little his like only began to suck even more. He just seemed to wonder just how much had to happen for him to finally really have enough, and it turned out it didn’t take much, all the hate he had been getting just seemed to really get to him and it was scary to think what might have been going through his head.

The feeling of total blackness seemed to be a feeling of total bliss for Isaiah, because the minute he was out he never wanted to wake up. That was what he always seemed to like about sleeping, he was able to just escape the entire world while he was asleep and if no one decided to help him what would be just what he would always be doing. He would sleep without ever having to worry about waking up, and maybe that was just what he wanted and needed to happen. Before he had passed out for real, he was sure he heard a voice but he just seemed to ignore it.