all my thoughts and feelings (isaiah)

[isaiah james conway]

So I finally wrote it out, my suicide note. To be completed soon too, for now I shall just keep it here.

Dear everyone, please know that none of this is any of your fault and I mean that, don’t blame yourself, don’t be upset, and don’t beat yourself up over this. This is something that I have had planned for a while now, and I never told anyone or talked to anyone about it. This was my biggest secret, that I kept for so long and I know in time that it would come to this. I had my suicide planned, to the very last moments and I made sure no one figured anything out. If you guys noticed, you’d stop me and I didn’t want anyone stopping me and I’m sorry. I love you guys, Carter, Elias, Chester, Mikey, and Ryan. You guys are my boys, basically my brothers and I’m sorry that you guys have to lose one of your brothers, that you guys had to lose me. I just guess I’m not as strong as I thought I was, I’m not like any of you in any way. I tried to act so happy all the time, but in reality I wasn’t and it was just eating me up inside and I was afraid of snapping to soon and leaving you guys before I even had a chance to really be your friend and your best mate.

Carter, you are basically the closet to me in the band and sometimes I feel like such an awful friend to you because here I am sitting here writing this and getting ready to die. All I can think of is just how selfish and unworthy of your friendship I am, Mikey you are a great guy but sometimes your temper is scary. At the perfect moments though, and I want you to be mad at me but try and realize just why I did this. Elias, thanks for being there for me mate when I was at my weakest moments, I mean everyone was but you were basically my cuddly panda bear when I needed you the most and just thanks for that. Ryan, well you are basically the glue of the band, you keep us all in line and make sure we all stay out of jail, okay Elias you sort of help Ryan with that. Uh I can’t seem to write this without staining the paper with tears. Lastly I Chester, I don’t know why I decided to do you last but I think it’s because you are such a dork and I just saved the second best for last. Carter is the best, love you Carter. I’ll really miss you guys and I hope we will see each other again someday.

Now for the girls, who probably are some of the luckiest people in the world to be dating the boys and me hope and pray you never break their hearts and they never break yours. You guys really deserve each other, even though I happen to be a little bit of a jealous twit sometimes due to how cute you all are. I realize I shouldn’t do that though, because it’s just rude moping all the time over something I could have easily had too and Belle I really did like you. It was never joking, or lying and I think all this time I just had to realize it and I’m sorry I realized it too late. We could have had such a great relationship, and Trinity sorry you had to lose me before even getting to know me.

Signed,

Isa

[isaiah james conway]

okay so my counselor i've been seeing has decided it would be a good idea to start a journal, write about everything in my past to make it seem more real. make everything come to life and i decided it was a good idea, so this is exactly what i'm doing now. this entire journal entry will be about my past, and no little detail will go avoided.

i was born on february first as everyone knows, to a mother of sixteen years old and she ended up leaving me at the hospital being far to young to have a child. i don't blame her for that, really i don't because who was she to know what would come of me. she had no idea that i would never be adopted, at least not in till i turned thirteen and the years before that were dreadful. i went through about eight different foster homes, because the people there never seemed to want to keep me for very long and always said i was a problem child. i was abused actually, yes sometimes i was beaten but i was normally just never fed and locked in the basement. in some houses i didn't even have an actual bed, i slept on the floor with a really thin blanket. i learned quickly to never unpack my bags, to never get comfortable because no one would ever want me. my social worker would have these monthly visits, see bruises on my body and i would be taken back and later moved to the next foster home.

the other children seemed to always be treated so much better than i was, they were all younger than me and they didn't know any better. i was the oldest there, that meant i should know what was suspected of me and ask no questions and want nothing more. i was fed, and though my clothes were often torn i had clothes to wear. it's funny remembering me at say age seven with a black eye because i spoke back to someone and then i look at myself now, i'm famous now. i'm pretty sure all those people i ever met in my life feel stupid for the things that they did for me, for letting the things happen to me that did happen to me. do they regret the things that they did, to be honest i really hope that they do. i really hope all the kids that picked on me see me now, and they feel stupid for picking on that awkward dorky kid because here i am today and i am so much better than any of them and it's such an amazing feeling. it's the greatest feeling in the world, to be able to perform with my boys.

okay so with everything else, my cutting and all that. my cutting actually came about when i was about fifteen years old, a year after i came out as being gay and the bullying i had been receiving in school had gotten worse. people liked to pick on the strange gay kid, and on top of everything else i was dealing with it was just hard to handle it all so i turned to cutting myself and i never told anyone. when i was seventeen i started planning my suicide even down to how old i would be when i would commit the act. at the time i was just getting into things, the band was starting up and getting big and i knew it would be a few years so i decided on nineteen and maybe even twenty if things were still not going great. a handful of pills was going to be my method, i had it planned for a long time and once i was nineteen things only spiraled out of control.

my life really is so complicated it's funny sometimes when people even think they understand, they don't understand and they could ever understand just what happened to me and i'm sorry to the people i had worried with the things that i had done. it will never happen again.

[isaiah james conway]

_{i never seemed to think that i would turn out to be one of those people who cared about what people thought about me and i know that it is silly that i do, but i can't seem to help it. i just seem to want people to like me, it's the type of person that am and i suppose that it comes from the fact that growing up i don't think people really liked me. i never did understand why, perhaps it was because i was always different and people didn't like that about me. i showed potential of being somebody someday and they just didn't seem to like that, perhaps that's it. that had to be it.}

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